 |
| Beautiful |
Friday, February 25, 2011
I'm sorry
Dear person,
I'm sorry I wasn't the person you thought I'd be, I didn't think I would turn out like this either..but I did. We used to be best friends, I was your little "mini-me" and you controlled the world around me in a way that no one else could. We had a pretty sweet deal didn't we? Too bad it couldn't last.
I still want to be that person who can make your day, who can make you not regret everything that's happened, the person who gives you hope. I'm just too weak to shoulder it all, I'm not as strong as you think, not right now..not for awhile.
Just keep holding on. Know things get better. The world isn't stuck in the way you see it, there is always more out there than we can see, know this. Know that I love you more than imaginable, that I would go against god for you. I would defy whatever is out there if it meant that I could fix you.
Love,
Joshua
I'm sorry I wasn't the person you thought I'd be, I didn't think I would turn out like this either..but I did. We used to be best friends, I was your little "mini-me" and you controlled the world around me in a way that no one else could. We had a pretty sweet deal didn't we? Too bad it couldn't last.
I still want to be that person who can make your day, who can make you not regret everything that's happened, the person who gives you hope. I'm just too weak to shoulder it all, I'm not as strong as you think, not right now..not for awhile.
Just keep holding on. Know things get better. The world isn't stuck in the way you see it, there is always more out there than we can see, know this. Know that I love you more than imaginable, that I would go against god for you. I would defy whatever is out there if it meant that I could fix you.
Love,
Joshua
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Everything will be okay
I need to remember that no one gets more than they can handle...
I am learning what I need to learn and it isn't always easy...
But I'll be a better person for it in the end...
Day 8 – A song to match your mood
I'm not in ♥.. but this song feels so right, like it hits everything that is important right now.
Time to pack up.
"well,
I really want to be there for you. I hate hearing that you're just "making it" through the day. I want to be that person who is always there for you when you're not doing well, and when you just need someone who cares."
I don't know how to feel about this. I'm trying to figure it out, but my first reaction was "FLEE!"- It was as if I wanted to pack up everything I have and run, start over. That's scary. It scares me that I am so scared by something like that. But I am an independent person, at the core of who I am, I'm independent.
Right now, who I am and where I am... I don't have the luxury of independence, but I am strong on my own. I can do anything on my own. I can be whoever or whatever I want on my own. And most of all, I can trust myself more than I can trust anyone else (which isn't a whole lot but still more than others).
Someday, who I am and where I am will match up and I will be living in my bliss..but I want to run from everything right now.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
I would love a beautiful, classic, white, fairytale wedding. Not gaudy but elegant.
But in the end... all that matters to me is that I'm with the one I love, the one who loves me- and the rest will be okay.
Speech #2 - A Speech of Tribute Outline
CLASSIC SPEECH OUTLINE
General Purpose: To pay tribute.
Specific Purpose: Without my step-sister Jolee, I wouldn't have made it this far into my life.
Introduction:
I. Attention Getter:
Oprah Winfrey once said, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
II. Motivation for Listening:
The importance of having someone who will be with you when your “limo breaks down” is something I'm sure everyone in this room can understand.
III. Thesis Statement:
Without my step-sister Jolee, I wouldn't have made it this far into my life.
IV. Preview of Speech (1st, 2nd, 3rd, ect.)
We haven’t always been close, but she has always been there for me.
She's supported me through difficult experiences.
(&) She has been my best friend and my best teacher.
Transition to body of Speech Now that I've introduced you to my speech, I will now tell you about growing up together.
Body
I. First Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
When we were both four, her Dad and my Mom met and got married. I was horrible to her and she was mean to me, except when one of us would get into trouble- We both had each others backs in that moment and would lie to our parents, telling them that it was my brother (in the center) who chewed my mothers lip stick or locked her Dad outside. Two against one, we never got punished.
b. Analysis and Research
It wasn't until after she found out who I was that we started understanding each other and became friends.
Transition: Now that I told you about the two of us growing up together, I will now tell you about how she has gotten me through some tumultuous experiences.
II. Second Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
I first realized that there was more to who she was than what I thought I knew, when she found out I was gay a few years back and we spent hours talking about Jessie McCartney. She had not just tolerated who I was, she embraced it we have been friends ever since.
b. Analysis and Research
Unfortunately, starting out high school and being openly gay is not easy and a lot of people aren’t as accepting as my sister. A 2008 study from the University of Chicago found that 1 in 4 gay teenagers have a serious drug or alcohol problem. I became 1 out of 4. I was looking to escape from the bullying with vodka and coke. My sister was the only one who knew enough and loved me enough to get help for me even though getting our parents involved risked out friendship. If it weren’t for her, I would have probably dropped out of high school and still be looking for my escape. Jolee got me the help I didn't realize I needed.
Transition: Now that I told you about how she's supported me, I will now tell you about how she's been my best friend as well as a great teacher.
III. Third Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
Jolee can make me laugh and I can have fun with her, but more importantly, she tells me when I've crossed a line. It's difficult to know when you are wrong in the heat of the moment and being that she is my sister and my friend, she is constantly with me in the heat or not. She has seen me at my worst and and made the truth painfully clear, and I appreciate it.
b. Analysis and Research
She's told me not to sweat the small stuff, she's shined a light on things I try to forget but need to work through, she is my living self-help book and I am a better person because of her. The importance of honesty has been driven into me because of my sister, the need to understand a different point of view exist within me only because of her open mindedness, and she is genuinely excited for me when I do something great just like I am for her.
Transition: Now that I have told you about how she's been an influence on who I am, I will now conclude my speech.
Conclusion
I. Summary of Main Points
* Jolee has become my best friend regardless of our immature childhood
* Through growing up, she has stayed strong and pulled me back to reality when I've needed it.
*(&) Because of this, I have learned how to to be a better person.
II.Throwback to Attention Getter My sister has ridden in my limo so to speak, but I know she would ride a city bus with me any day, any time.
General Purpose: To pay tribute.
Specific Purpose: Without my step-sister Jolee, I wouldn't have made it this far into my life.
Introduction:
I. Attention Getter:
Oprah Winfrey once said, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
II. Motivation for Listening:
The importance of having someone who will be with you when your “limo breaks down” is something I'm sure everyone in this room can understand.
III. Thesis Statement:
Without my step-sister Jolee, I wouldn't have made it this far into my life.
IV. Preview of Speech (1st, 2nd, 3rd, ect.)
We haven’t always been close, but she has always been there for me.
She's supported me through difficult experiences.
(&) She has been my best friend and my best teacher.
Transition to body of Speech Now that I've introduced you to my speech, I will now tell you about growing up together.
Body
I. First Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
When we were both four, her Dad and my Mom met and got married. I was horrible to her and she was mean to me, except when one of us would get into trouble- We both had each others backs in that moment and would lie to our parents, telling them that it was my brother (in the center) who chewed my mothers lip stick or locked her Dad outside. Two against one, we never got punished.
b. Analysis and Research
It wasn't until after she found out who I was that we started understanding each other and became friends.
Transition: Now that I told you about the two of us growing up together, I will now tell you about how she has gotten me through some tumultuous experiences.
II. Second Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
I first realized that there was more to who she was than what I thought I knew, when she found out I was gay a few years back and we spent hours talking about Jessie McCartney. She had not just tolerated who I was, she embraced it we have been friends ever since.
b. Analysis and Research
Unfortunately, starting out high school and being openly gay is not easy and a lot of people aren’t as accepting as my sister. A 2008 study from the University of Chicago found that 1 in 4 gay teenagers have a serious drug or alcohol problem. I became 1 out of 4. I was looking to escape from the bullying with vodka and coke. My sister was the only one who knew enough and loved me enough to get help for me even though getting our parents involved risked out friendship. If it weren’t for her, I would have probably dropped out of high school and still be looking for my escape. Jolee got me the help I didn't realize I needed.
Transition: Now that I told you about how she's supported me, I will now tell you about how she's been my best friend as well as a great teacher.
III. Third Main Point
a. Analysis and Research
Jolee can make me laugh and I can have fun with her, but more importantly, she tells me when I've crossed a line. It's difficult to know when you are wrong in the heat of the moment and being that she is my sister and my friend, she is constantly with me in the heat or not. She has seen me at my worst and and made the truth painfully clear, and I appreciate it.
b. Analysis and Research
She's told me not to sweat the small stuff, she's shined a light on things I try to forget but need to work through, she is my living self-help book and I am a better person because of her. The importance of honesty has been driven into me because of my sister, the need to understand a different point of view exist within me only because of her open mindedness, and she is genuinely excited for me when I do something great just like I am for her.
Transition: Now that I have told you about how she's been an influence on who I am, I will now conclude my speech.
Conclusion
I. Summary of Main Points
* Jolee has become my best friend regardless of our immature childhood
* Through growing up, she has stayed strong and pulled me back to reality when I've needed it.
*(&) Because of this, I have learned how to to be a better person.
II.Throwback to Attention Getter My sister has ridden in my limo so to speak, but I know she would ride a city bus with me any day, any time.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Do you ever look around and see what I see?
I watch people walk on by, I listen to them speak, and I'm terrified of becoming one of them. At any given moment, at any given place, you can look up and see what life has done to people. It whittles them down, weakens them, it's not kind.
I don't want that. I wan't to thrive.
I don't want that. I wan't to thrive.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
 |
| It speaks for itself. Who wouldn't want one? |
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
I remember when I took this picture.. It was a pivotal moment in my thinking, in who I was.I had gone from a place of safety into a world I was not prepared for. I didn't understand the vitriol of others, I had never fully experienced it. I had dove head first into a place I wasn't ready for.
Through it, I hardened, turned cold, became numb. The person I wanted to become, the person I was chasing after so determined had appeared. It was like waking up- but for only a moment. I could see that I was no longer pretending to be someone I was not, I had no longer lived a split life, I was finally where I "wanted" to be.
Since then, I've learned from my experiences and know how to adapt without losing myself. I don't have to ruin myself to become another. I'm not the person pictured above anymore, that person will always be somewhere within me but I don't need to rely on this anymore.
X^I
How is it possible that I can change so abruptly? It makes no sense to me. Everything is okay, I can be content with my life, I know this! But something comes to me- it steals what is okay in my world, it leaves the remnants of something caustic, self-destructive, dark.. Why? I just need to know why..
Friday, February 18, 2011
I saw her today..and the world didn't end.
She really was a bad friend in the end. It really hurt some of the things she said and did, a lot. Especially since I cared for her so much.
But today I walked into a room and she was there. I sat next to her, did my work, and was okay. I even let her know about something important to her and she replied with, "Thank you".
Was it weird? Sure. But we've moved on, at least I have and I think she has too, and that's all that is important. Just because we didn't end up close amazing friends, doesn't mean she's necessarily a bad person. We just weren't good together.
But today I walked into a room and she was there. I sat next to her, did my work, and was okay. I even let her know about something important to her and she replied with, "Thank you".
Was it weird? Sure. But we've moved on, at least I have and I think she has too, and that's all that is important. Just because we didn't end up close amazing friends, doesn't mean she's necessarily a bad person. We just weren't good together.
Day 4 (sort of) – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
It's not really day 4, but I still wanted to post this one.
There are (these) three. There have always been (these) three, and hopefully, will always be (these) three.
So I'll just put up pictures of em all.
There are (these) three. There have always been (these) three, and hopefully, will always be (these) three.
So I'll just put up pictures of em all.
 |
| Jolee |
 |
| Christopher |
 |
| Savannah (right) |
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date
however, I've done it so many times now that it's almost become routine for me. It isn't sweet or charming or romantic.. it's clinical, pragmatic, quotidian.
I would love to go to a carnival or fair for a first date. :) I've never done it and I think it's sweet.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Trapped
There's more to me. But I feel trapped inside this jar, locked away somewhere, stuck in a dark room. Any moment I feel it breaking, I fear I'll drop it, it will slip, something will knock it over.
Too much.
It's all just too much.. people, voices, sound, light, things.. I cannot handle it. I wan't to just sit in my room, lights off, and find my peace.
What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Oatmeal! :) Not delicious. But oh so healthy. So I'll just keep shoveling the stuff every morning 'til I can eat fruity-pebbles without feeling guilty. haha.
"A letter to someone who has hurt you recently"
I keep waiting for some oppurtunity to come up so I can write this, searching for some way to let it out. But instead of waiting, I'm just going to do it.
Dear friend,
You are such a shitty person. You used me when you were bored and needed to have someone to listen to you and your lies, and I was there for you. But for whatever reason, you flipped and starting saying horrible things. Why? What did I ever do to you? I never once said anything personal or hurtful about you, not once. And trust me, I could have. You have told me some messed up disgusting things, but did I tell anyone? No. Will I? No. I'm not going to be that person. You just made up excuse after excuse to spew hate and when I relentlessly disproved everything you said, you resorted to name calling. I hope to never even get close to the person you are today. You are the pathetic one, not me.
-Joshua
I don't like putting this up. I don't want to have to let it out. It doesn't make me look like a good forgiving person. But I'm here to let everything out, give myself a space to be uncensored, and that's how I feel. :/ now that it's out, I need to let go. She's not sobbing over it so neither can I.
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
Writers block...
I had it.. The words were flowing, and then- nothing! Here's what I have so far.
Control
it's confusing. So unclear, so irrational at times.. it demands fear, it evokes spite, it is the paradox to spirituality. For with it, there is no higher power. Not even god can be trusted. It debases those around you. It is a wretched way to live. The very thought of freedom must be dictated, must have limits, needs to be confined. It's caustic nature will erode one from within, slowly masticating it's way outwards. You become the hollow shell of what you were. No one has seen it coming, but it's been in the making for years, the urge to
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Route 66.
My car is damaged, the road is wild, the world is pastoral, and I don’t know where I’m trying to get.. And although I sometimes wish I could go back home, the excitement of my journey is enough to keep me going forward. I’m not about to turn around after the hundreds of miles behind me. Sometimes I’m running on fumes, and yet I somehow manage to put even more distance behind myself and that amazes me.
Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
My day was redundantly plain. Spent an hour trying to get out of bed, finally got up. Rushed to get ready. Rushed to get to school. Got there to try and get out as quick as possible. Came home, crashed. Got up, trying to convince myself to do some homework. Will most likely do some of it and convince myself to do it in the morning. :/
30 Day Challenge
Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days
It's hard.
Sometimes I don't really know where I'm going, what I'm doing. It's like I'm walking around this small infantile world, waiting for something to happen- something to come and break down the walls to my prison, my self-imposed prison. I wan't freedom, but I wouldn't know what to do with it even if I got it. I don't know what the next step to my life is, I don't know what my greater picture looks like, so I'll just keep wandering until I get to where I'm supposed to be.
Monday, February 14, 2011
It's about forgiveness
I realize that forgiveness isn’t about excusing what another person has done or agreeing with it, but it’s about not letting someone have power over you. It’s about compassion and a willingness to understand, but then to let go and move on. I don’t want to let someone have power over me so I’m going to forgive instead.
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