"so i'm going to be honest here, and don't try to attempt to defend yourself as usual. I feel like you cant keep making up excuses, i have always been there for you through so much shit and the thing that really pissed me off was that you made the plan. you planned to hang out because YOU said you were going through a hard time so i was trying to be nice and be there for you. 1st thing, we made the plans the night before, so i find it kinda hard to believe you just magically forgot all signs of it and happened to have your phone off at that time. It would have been totally fine if you gave me some sort or warning and not me having to call you after waiting alone for 30 minutes after already having a bad day to hear your excuses. yeah, i know you're going through a hard time, and i understand that, but i know and you know you cant play that all the time. and then after apologizing and me "ignoring you" you actually have the nerve to say you're beginning to resent me! you have to remember the base of the problem here. a lot of the time i feel used, and unimportant to you. half the time i feel like im there incase your old plans fall through or sent to leave early if you found someone better to hang out with. I have been there for so long and for you to take this one time of me being mad as "you dont care about me" is bullshit and hurtful. Im just tired of the excuses. I know this was totally a bitchy email and i probably shouldnt send it but i need to get it off my chest. i still want to be friends and i still love you i just couldnt let it keep it in forever."

Sometimes I want to kill who I am.. I don't know what that'd mean, what it would look like.. But the gift of starting over, it's something I think of often.

How would it be different? What would I change? Who could I be?

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release

You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us

You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Ah, ooh

I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you hadAnd now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

I'M A HOT FUCKING MESS

I just want to scream at everyone!

"Fuck you! And Fuck you! Drink poison."

I don't know why I am feeling so caustic..

I just wan't to destroy everyone and everything, 

make 'em feel as bad as I do.

Shame on me to need release! >:/

Lately I been stuck imagining
What I wanna do and what I really think,
time to flow out
Be a little inappropriate
'Cause I know that everybody's thinkin' it
when the lights out

Shame on me
To need release
Uncontrollably

I wanna go all the way
Taking out my freak tonight
I wanna show
All the dirt
I am running through my mind

Lately people got me all tied up
There’s a countdown waiting for me to erupt
Time to blow out
I’ve been told who I should do it with
To keep both my hands above the blanket
When the lights out

Shame on me
To need release
Uncontrollably

I wanna go all the way
Taking out my freak tonight
I wanna show
All the dirt
I am running through my mind

Shame on me (shame on me)
To need release (to need release)
Uncontrollably (uncontrollably)

I wanna go, all the way
Taking out my freak tonight
I wanna show
All the dirt
I am running through my mind 

 "Fuck you, man. Yeah, FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW ME!" 

"Maybe"

I don't wanna be the one to say, "Goodbye"

but I will

I will

I will

I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly but I will

I will

Oh

Yes

I will

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

Easily replaced; Uniquely my own.

Best friend, until you can leave.

You'll leave.

Others always have.

Sometimes I pushed them away, other times they had enough and left.

Either way, this won't last.

I'm pretending it will, but you have so much more out there for you.

I'm off, you're on.

"Goodbye", someday soon.

I love you though. 

Always will.

I just don't want to feel like I'm holding you back anymore.

I put it in pictures because no one would understand.

I need to tell the truth.. So here it is:

Michaelson

I am so angry. How the fuck did I become this? 

Fuck!

I hate how much I love you.

I hate how little I love myself.

I'm sick of who I am.

Soldier

Word's that dont exist in the english language:

L’esprit de escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”
Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.
Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.
Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Gheegle: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.
Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.
Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.
Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.
Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.

"If you wanna get with me 
There's some things you gotta know 
I like my beats fast 
And my bass down low "

It's my life and I'm not sitting 

On the sidelines watching It pass me by, 

I'm leaving you my legacy I,

 I gotta make my mark, I gotta run it hard

 I want you to remember me

 'Cause I'm leaving my fingerprints

 I'm leaving my fingerprints

 I'm leaving my fingerprints in the END.

I am so sick of this guy! WTF!?

He has "limited free space", well I didn't want to deal with him either last night but that didn't stop him from being rude to my guests, belittling me, and immaturely displaying his power over me. He is such a bully!

Bul-ly
Noun, plural -lies, verv, -lied, -ly-ing, adjective, interjection
-noun
1. a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates those perceived as  "smaller" or "weaker".

Mom, this has nothing to do with you, know that. I'm just done with this person and what he represents in my life.. Done.

truBLOOD

&

oh..and also,

"Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall..."

I was posed a question...

"What would you want others to say about you when you are gone?"

This question holds so much power.. I've looked for the past several years, for what I want my life to look like without regarding others, and I've come up with a lot of misdirection, failed "lift-offs", and a false sense of completeness.

I never thought about thinking about what I'd want others to say about me when I was gone, in the context of shaping my life to fit that- using that question as a tool.

So here it is:

I want people to know that I really loved them. Not just an "I love you", but a deep, ineffable, love for them (whoever they may be, I have a lot, but always have room for me ;). I want people to think back, and think that there life was better with me in it. I want them to know I wasn't a waste.

But also, I want to know I wasn't a waste.

I have so much ahead of me, but I'm blind to it all. It's like opening a door to the abyss, I know I'm going into it, I just don't know what I'm going into. And sometimes, that dark room is filled with people who love you, waiting to surprise you on your birthday. But sometimes, I'm not so sure that it will be filled with those people. Sometimes I think that it will just be an empty dark room. Alone. Without any real, positive, impact on this world.

Picture Book Time!!!- 06/06/11